Toward the end of February my stay in the ICU at UAB was over and it was time to address the Rehab phase of my recovery.  The decision was made for me to be transferred to Atlanta to be admitted to the Shepherd Center.  I was a candidate for this world renowned facility because of my brain injury.  Shepherd only treats patients who have suffered traumatic brain or spinal injuries.  They are able to care for all of the client’s other issues but the brain and spine are their first love.  Fortunate for me I qualified in more than one way.

Moving to The Shepherd Center from UAB was an immensely scary event for me.  I was transported by ambulance from Birmingham to Atlanta in the middle of a storm that sported tornados, strong winds and hail.  Just another Monday in Fosterland.  At the time I had only been out of my hospital bed for x-rays and one failed attempt to sit in a chair so this was my longest stint away from safety since my accident.   That was not the scary part.

I was coming to terms with the results of the accident and what my immediate and long term future held considering my disabilities.  I was also, after a month of being comatose and being led to believe I was one half a happy couple, confronted with ugly truth that my marriage was over.  I admit that someone was forcing the relationship to derail before the wreck but to read all those loving CaringBridge posts and then be told that I was not welcome to move back into my house with my family broke my heart.  With my brain injury I couldn’t grasp all that was going on and what my options were.  I was confused and could gain no solid footing in this new reality.

Shepherd turned out to be okay,  because Shepherd was much more than okay.  They are experts in treating all parts of what was happening to me, even the lonely doubts that creep into the mind of rednecks from South Alabama.  They knew how to ease my fears and begin to help me heal from the inside out.

A couple of weeks after starting rehab at The Shepherd Center I began getting comfortable and I initiated my name tag therapy.  This is where I would put on a “Hello my Name is…” sticker every morning with a new alias.  It was and continues to be a fun way to be recognized and start conversations.  During my rehab I was introduced to the team of therapist, doctors and nurses that had been assigned to me but there were many more people around that I wanted to interact with.  The name tags became a terrific ice breaker with which I was able to introduce myself to the staff and other clients.  As you know I am just so shy and I have to find ways to be lured out of my shell.

I wear a wide variety of monikers but mostly I enjoy picking the names of people I admire, like or aspire to emulate. I select people, puppets, animals, etc… that I hear of, read about or see on TV.  Some are friends. Some are famous.  Many of the names though are obscure; it is the lesser known people that I find the most intriguing.  Everyone I choose is either famous enough to spark a conversation starter or has a back story that I enjoy sharing.  I use Google, Wikipedia, the Bible and any source available to research subjects because it is important to have a good grasp on who I represent.  Of course sometimes I just make something up.

As I became more mobile and moved to Pathway’s I kept it up and it became my “thing” and I was asked about it everywhere I went.  It has carried over to the point that if I return to either facility and forget to wear one I am quickly reminded.  I like the notoriety but mostly I enjoy getting to know people and having the opportunity to share my faith and story.

Deep down though there are also other reasons that I wear the name tags.  I am learning to cope with my separation from Michelle coupled with my rehabilitation.  I think I want to escape and for at least a short time be someone better or at least different than I am.  Hiding behind the protection of a name that is obviously not mine allows me to become smarter, funnier, taller, braver, or just more.

The real me is able to blend into my surroundings and I can become not the person whose name is displayed but a charming guy who must be interesting because look at the clever things he thinks of.  This instead of the image I have of myself which is an unwanted husband who is trying to adapt to a future that includes losing almost everything I thought was important.  Starting from scratch in your forties is hard enough without the addition of severe and long lasting medical problem.

I guess latching onto these alter egos helps give me the significance I feel like has been stolen from my life.  I was a faithful and loving husband, an involved and doting father, a valuable and enthusiastic employee, a faithful and committed church member…then I woke up and I had become a partially paralyzed, brain injured, single parent whose future was murky at best.

Having an alter-ego gives me a way to cope with the failure I feel that I have become.

Of course I feel a little better now.  I understand that I am not as broken as I had been led to believe.  Some of the information I was giving myself was a lie but more importantly some of the information others were being led to believe was faulty.  I have come to understand that I am only as broken as I allow myself to be.  Through my faith I am learning that what might seem to be disability can actually become an opportunity.

As my time at Pathway’s was winding down I had become more confident in myself and less reliant on hiding behind the façade of a false identity.  In fact I evolved into who I should be; an enthusiastic Christian who would share my faith and my story with others.  I was able to talk about myself and the obstacles I was overcoming with the guiding help of my faith in God.  Instead of using the name tag to deflect from who I felt I was but rather enlist them to help me explain how wonderfully blessed I have always been and continue to be.

I was becoming the “more” I wanted to be but I was still hiding.  Being in Atlanta allowed me to exist as the person I wanted to be while not having to face the issues that awaited me in Troy.  I would tell people that I was “living the dream” and I was.  I mean think about how many times life just gets too heavy and you want to escape.  I had done just that and more.  I was able to wake up every day without worrying about bills, gas prices, taxes, bedtimes, cooking, laundry, cleaning the pool or a job.

Of course I was conscious of other issues.  I was peeing in a bag, my legs were barely working, my mind was still not all there, and I had operations to come and so many more medical issues.  However I was taken care of every day by some of the coolest and smartest people I have ever been around so I was comforted.  The Lord was also preparing my heart for his work.

I stopped wearing the tags when I left rehab and I am not totally sure why.  Most likely because being home makes me much more self conscious.  The over-the-top personality I displayed in my actions around others and in my writing for some reason stayed in Atlanta.  I came home and attempted to put back on my old self and it just doesn’t fit the way it used to.  It is uncomfortable trying to be someone you are not supposed to be and forcing it just makes it worse.

Last summer when I attended Church Camp with Kelsey and the Southside Youth, that part of me returned.  I like that Barrett and I miss him.  He seems to display much more confidence and has the right attitude about all of this crap that is going on.  He doesn’t live with problems; instead he tackles them head on and accomplishes things on a daily basis.  He not only learned out to walk even though he was told the nerve damage in his legs was permanent, he raised the spirits of others while they coped with their disabilities.  He did it while displaying an unwavering commitment to his faith in God and a contagious sense of humor.  I think I need to get over myself and ask him to come home.  God gave this side of my personality to me for reason and I need to embrace it.

I plan on wearing the name tags again and each day posting a back story about whom I chose and why.  This time I am not hiding behind the names though.  This time I will be using them to let the real Barrett stand out so I can share what I have been through and who I am becoming.  This time I will remember that my God has chosen me for Kingdom Work and it is important for me to lose my selfish inhibitions and audaciously share what a miracle my life is.

This is going to be SO MUCH FUN!