The month of February of 2011 was non-existent for me in the conscious world; instead all of my time was spent in a coma while doctors and nurses did their best to save me.  For me being in a coma was like being asleep and dreaming a lot.  The story I am about to tell is not the beginning of my dreams but it is a good place to pick up my story.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me;

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.”  Psalm 23:4

One of the things that replays in my mind over and over again from my time spent in a coma was my antagonist.  I don’t really know any other way to describe him but that seems appropriate considering the fact that our entire relationship was based on him hurting me physically and psychologically.  He was not just present as a character in my nightmare but he desired to be the author of my destruction.  This guy had a recurring role in my drug induced reality and not in a good way.  In the beginning of my dreams he killed me by feeding me to a meat grinder while I was awake.  He was not my buddy.  I am now convinced he was/is Satan.

After I was sent back to Earth the first time I can remember feeling him look for me.  I was conscious of his knowledge that God had sent me back.  I was hiding in the Pacific Northwest and I knew that he would be keeping an eye out for me.  In this foggy dream world I only saw him as some manic entrepreneur who was bent on finding me because I had cost him money.  It was not until much later that I understood who he really was.

I was working as a Bobcat operator and he found me the second time.  He was angry that I had returned and he was intent on not only killing me but hurting me as much as possible before I passed.  He would murder me again by feeding me to another meat grinder while I was fully awake.  I can only imagine that my real physical trauma and pain was being translated to my unconscious brain and I was trying to make sense of it.  I know, I know…when have I ever made sense?  Well I was desperately trying to but it just wouldn’t work.

A second time God sent me back to Earth.

I think it is important to set up a time line.  After the accident I was first taken to Troy Regional Hospital and from there I was sent to Baptist South.  I know that the first time I died it was in Montgomery because I can remember hearing the ventilator.  How scary is that!  Even in a comatose state I can identify the alarm sound that the ventilators made.  It got so bad that he Doctors told my family and friends that I was in God’s hands.  I was and that is a great place to be!

The second time I died I was at UAB in Birmingham and my intestines had become infected.  The doctors cut open my abdomen to let my intestines breath which would allow them to “pink” back up.  They told my family that there was not much hope.  God doesn’t hope…He knows!  He healed my gutseses and I was back again.

Anywho…God sent me back to earth for a second time or a third time if you count the fact I was already here before…whatever.  Now it is easy to be skeptical of my story and believe that I was just clinging to my guns and religion while I was in a bad spot.  To which I answer, “You are DAMN right!”  Every single thing I went through was real.  I definitely was clinging to my God because he was drawing me closer to him.  No matter my sins he continues to wrap me up in his arms.  Want proof?

When an employee who is covered under a workman’s comp policy is involved in a traumatic accident a team of doctors and nurses are consulted by the insuring company.  These consultants are given all the facts about the injuries and then they help develop a plan for the client’s recovery.  My team did not think I would live much less walk again.  A team of trained professionals looked at my situation and thought a funeral was more likely than me using walking shoes ever again.

My parents were first blessed not to need to go casket shopping and then I was blessed that my wheelchair is just a piece of furniture.  Which is harder to believe; I would be given an opportunity to see God or that I would walk again after part of my sacrum was removed from my spine?

I have seen the look in a doctor’s eyes when he had had to tell me that the nerve damage in my legs was permanent.  He himself was in a wheelchair and at one time a doctor had to deliver the same news to him.  I have seen the looks of medical professionals when they knew the news that they had to tell me was not good. I have felt their empathy as they helped to formulate a plan for my future which they believed would be limited to walking with a prosthetic or living in a wheelchair.  I have also seen the faces of the therapist when they saw that God would not be denied and my nerves started growing back.   I know how great God is.  I believe.  I am trying to grasp how great the miracle that God allowed to occur in my life is.  Where others saw no hope of walking God saw an opportunity to show His Grace and Power.

“Jesus saith unto him, rise, take up thy bed, and walk.”  John 5:8

For a long time I did not understand why this guy would care so much if I died.  I am no one special, I am not a preacher or a teacher or a leader of people in any way.  I am a middle aged sinner that is egotistical but not so much that I ever thought I was worth that much of Satan’s time or effort.  I could not understand why I was so important to the Devil that he would become livid when I returned to Earth.  Was I destined for great things?  Am I important to the development of Christianity to the World? No.  Not even close.

Through God conscious prayer I have seen the answer.  It has nothing to do with me.  Satan does not care about hurting me.  He has no desire to say that he killed Barrett Foster.  No, what Satan really wants is to hurt God.  In order to hurt the God of the universe Satan attacked a sinner right next door to you.  Is it because I am so important to God?  Yes!  However I am no more important than anyone else.  The creator of everything cares deeply for me not because of anything I have done but because He chooses to.  I am important enough to God that He is upset when I am harmed.  Wow! You are just as important to him if not more!

²⁹ “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?^[h] And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. ³⁰ But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

As I was lying in the hospital bed in my dreams the Doctor of my demise would make his rounds seeing other patients but as he would circle around to me my blood would freeze.  I knew who he was and I respected his power.  I had no illusions that I would spend one minute in his house but that did not change the fact that he could hurt me.  He was hurting me, in the real world and in my dreams.  The hurt has never stopped.

There came a time where the agony was just too much.  It was not in one place but all over.  Not just physical but psychological as well.  Not just hurt but intentional torment.  I quit.  I looked at him understanding who he was and asked him to kill me.  For a long time I was ashamed of that.  For a long time I struggled with the fact that I was a quitter.  It hurt me so much to know that God had given me not only a second chance at life but a third and there I was throwing it all away.  I felt like Adam in the Garden of Eden trying to hide from God.  I was convinced that I had once again failed Him.

Then I read a book called “I Am Second” an in it was Josh Hamilton’s story, Major League baseball super star Josh Hamilton’s Story.  He related in his struggles that he kept trying to physically beat the Devil but Satan would get back up every time.  Then Satan looked at Josh.  Josh relates that he the understood that Jesus was standing beside Josh.  Then the two of them began chasing Satan and he ran away.

²⁴ Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” ²⁵ He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.” Daniel 3:24-25

I had struggled with the fact that when I asked Dr. Satan to kill me he looked disappointed.  He looked at me, grimaced and walked away.  I now understand that Jesus was standing beside me and I was not Satan’s to take.  Jesus was telling the prince of darkness that he could beat me and torture me and abuse my body but I belong to God.  I have come to realize that maybe the lesson was not for Satan but for me.  Jesus died on the cross so that I may live.  He rose again from the dead and now he lives for us.  Jesus was letting me know that Satan cannot take me.  Dying is the easy part, living takes guts.

That is not the end of the story though.  I wish it were, but for God’s ultimate purpose to be fulfilled I am taught new lessons daily.  Satan has not stopped coming for me.  He did not quit just because he cannot claim my life.  You see his ultimate desire is not to hurt me but to hurt God.  Because of this daily I am challenged with pain and suffering that I might quit again.  I am made to endure this because even though Satan is not allowed to take my life…I can.  The ultimate pain that can be inflicted is not by Satan but by me.  How hurtful to my Lord and Savior would it be if I told God that I wanted no part of this gift he has given me on this Earth and then ended my life?

That is what Satan pushes me towards every day.  That is the Devil’s goal; to hurt God by tricking me into taking my own life out of selfish despair.  I have physical, psychological, and heartfelt agony everyday; and everyday through faith I am reminded to give it to God.

At first I used the word nope to be ornery and difficult with my friend but I have entitled this Blog Nope because that is my answer to Satan.  Every day I wake up and tell him Nope, not today.  Today I will not die because of you; instead I will live for Jesus.

¹² So then, brothers,^[e] we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. ¹⁴ For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons^[f] of God. ¹⁵ For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:12-17